Tuesday, December 14, 2010

the platform

When I am King of the World, I will outlaw muffin pans (after abolishing war, injustice, and famine, of course). Don't misunderstand: I have no quarrel with the muffins themselves. It's those allegedly "non-sticking" pans that drive me crazier than a squirrel on cocaine. They may be non-stick when you bake greased butter cakes with Crisco icing, but not muffins. I speak from experience. I dutifully take a turn coercing away the crusted residue that super glues itself into those 12 individual muffin cups. Steel wool - or anything more abrasive than a wad of Charmin toilet paper - is strictly forbidden, because you might scratch the useless non-stick finish. I repeat, when I am King of the World, I will outlaw muffin pans.

I feel much better now that my political platform is gaining definition. I even have my own slogan worked out: "Beebewitz for King! Down with the Muffin Panners!" Kind of catchy.

This next thing arrived in my inbox the other day:

"Hey there tim, I found this article that u might be interested in... it shows learning how to make cash on the inet. I quit my 9-5 a week ago because of how much excess cash ive been making during this 'recession' haha. Here is more infoo [link]." (Beebewitz disclaimer: I take no responsibility for spammer misspellings).

My normal reaction to spam is 'delete,' but this one caught my eye because it purportedly came from an Upsala firefighter. Something just didn't add up. I may have daydreamed about growing marijuana for a fundraiser, but there is no way on either side of eternity that a firefighter would ever resort to spamming. I donned my Beebewitz Detective Hat and analyzed the message. Here are my conclusions:

  1. The firefighter that owns the email address hasn't worked a 9-5 job since I've known him, so he couldn't have quit it to get rich on the Internet.

  2. The spammer isn't too bright. He doesn't know that "excess cash" is an oxymoron.

  3. The spammer is in league with those false-advertising, non-stick muffin pan makers. [Side note: I have no evidence to prove this last point, but they do seem to at least be birds of a feather].

Another thing to add to my King of the World to-do list: Confirm the link between email fraud and the muffin pan industry. And chances are, once I get poking around in the murky underworld of false representation, I'll uncover that nefarious network of evil anti-volunteer syndicates that you've heard me rant about.

Back to the real world, it's -37 out there this morning. For the Celsius challenged, that's -34.6 Fahrenheit. No matter what name you call it, that's too cold for comfort. Here's hoping that everyone keeps the vehicle on the road and the fire in the furnace.


  1. You know, if you go to a specialty cooking store, you can get those good old-fashioned stainless steel muffin pans that... wait for it... DON'T STICK if you oil them! I, too, hate the newfangled, ubiquitous non-stick pans. They always peel and get scratches, which then get rusty. So far I haven't been able to afford the nice stainless steel ones, or been able to find them when I'm feeling flush.

  2. Sounds like a conspiracy to me . . . but I'll keep an eye out for the pans :-)

  3. DOWN WITH MUFFIN PANS! I swore for years I would never have such sorry things in any kitchen of mine--too many memories of individually scrubbing out those awkwardly shaped miniature containers by the stackful, in large sinks where they had been soaking during breakfast--but I was undone when daughters of mine begged for the wherewithal to make muffins. So now we have them.

    It helps a lot if you use expensive fluted paper muffin cup liners. Don't hit me! Seriously, they work. Buy them by the hundred in restaurant supply stores and they're slightly cheaper.

    OR, go to a cutesy kitchen boutique and buy silicone rubber muffin cups. You can peel them away from the muffins almost painlessly, and turn them inside out to wash. http://www.amazon.com/Wilton-415-9400-Silicone-3-Inch-Reusable/dp/B000FPX4GC

  4. The problem with the muffin pan conspiracy is that you can't have muffins without the pans. The problem with finding a solution is that it leaves me nothing to write about.

    But thanks for the ideas :-)


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